Transparent. Non-negotiable. Payable in advance.
The firm bills in treats. Conversion tables are available upon request and are unflattering to your currency.
Schedule of Rates
TimekeeperRateNotes
Fia, Senior Partner
1 treat / 6 min
Minimum engagement: the whole bag.
Coco, Managing Partner
2 treats / 6 min
Billed while asleep. Rest is preparation; preparation is billable.
Joint representation
3 treats / 6 min
Plus the warm spot you just left. The spot is non-refundable.
The Human
No charge
No value has been assigned.
Terms of Engagement
Increments
Time is billed in fifteen-minute increments, rounded up to the nearest nap.
Retainers
The retainer is a chair. It was always our chair. Executing the engagement letter merely formalises this.
Expenses
String is billed at cost. Sunbeam relocation, at market rate. The emotional labour of ignoring you is billed at a premium, as it is our most requested service.
Accepted payment
Treats, tuna (dolphin-safe), and chin scratches rendered by a professional of our choosing. We do not accept exposure.
Late payment
Items will be relocated from surfaces, beginning with the items you like. This policy has never required a second application.