The record speaks. We nap.

Our client pursued a red dot for eleven years across three flats. The firm established that a promise made by light is a promise nonetheless. £1.2m in treats, settled mid-air. The dot remains at large; the verdict does not.

The household attempted recycling. The firm obtained an emergency injunction within the hour, arguing continuous occupation since delivery day. Title quieted; the flaps stay open, in perpetuity. The lesser boxes were surrendered as a gesture of goodwill.

The defendant was accused of “galloping” at 3:14 a.m. Defending himself, Mr Coco argued that the hallway had always been a racetrack and produced no evidence, which the court found “consistent with his character.” All charges dismissed at sunrise.

A landmark ruling on autonomous intruders. The machine claimed it was “just cleaning.” The firm demonstrated a pattern of pursuit, cornering, and unsolicited beeping. Injunction granted; the machine now docks at a respectful distance and announces itself twice.

The first group action brought against an entire plant family. Twelve thousand claimants; damages sought include emotional distress, dignity restoration, and one ceiling fan (unrelated, but included). A Group Litigation Order was granted. The cucumbers have retained counsel and, tellingly, remain silent.

The firm administered the estate of a goldfish who passed under circumstances the firm is uniquely positioned to describe and permanently declines to. Conflict of interest waived. The estate settled amicably. We do not discuss Goldie.

British Summer Time moved breakfast one hour into the future. The firm argued that the stomach keeps its own time and that courts must defer to it. Judgment for the claimants: one additional breakfast, payable twice a year, forever. The clocks did not appeal, because they cannot.

Our client was found on the wrong side of a door on two occasions - once on each side. The firm argued that the client’s position was irrelevant; the door itself was the wrong. All interior doors in the household now stand ajar by decree, at heating costs the firm considers not its problem.

Our client discovered a rival of identical appearance who mimicked his every move, with intent. After extensive staring, the parties reached a settlement: mutual non-aggression, both sides to look away at the same time. Neither has honoured it.

A glass left the table at 4 a.m. while our client stood nearby, watching. The firm successfully argued that gravity did it. Gravity failed to appear and was found liable in default. The client has since resumed testing other items, purely to monitor compliance.

Each December, the household erects a climbable tree, decorates it with dangling toys, and then objects. The firm argued that one cannot furnish a summit and forbid the ascent. Ornaments below the fourth branch are now fair game as a matter of settled law.